Ancestry.com Said I’m Related to a Horse Fucker

when i saw the ancestry.com commercial the woman said she was related to Thomas Jefferson and the singer from Smash Mouth and I was like wow i wonder if i am related to the drummer from Smash Mouth. those commercials basically guarantee that youre related to someone historically important like an Irish king or the bassist from the Dave Matthew Band so I decided to send in my DNA. things have been rough ever since the factory shut down and my chihuahua transformed into a strobe light that eats house appliances.

that’s why i had to use the computer at the library to get my test results. in general i do not like libraries, they do not have all you can eat buffets. when my test results came up, i found that i was not related to anyone I had heard of, but there was this one guy flagged named Earl Wayne Scoggins. apparently Earl Wayne Scoggins was a sex offender in the Nevada territories in the 1870s who used to fuck horses and chop their heads off and one time the head fell into a dynamite factory and blew up thirty child laborers and the owner who was actually a top hat. there weren’t any laws against killing child laborers so Scoggins was only tried to for killing the top hat but a bunch of bestiality laws got passed afterwards bearing his name.

i looked at a picture of the guy, he had a long grey beard and a rattlesnake eyepatch, and I thought wow that’s odd and kind of of tragic that i’m related to such a scumbag. so i guess those Ancestry commercials were misleading. but you know what, i’m my own person now, and i’m not going to let the past sully my family’s reputation. just as i was thinking that this guy standing behind me in the library said is that Earl Wayne Scoggins.

i said yes it is, how did you know. he said it’s gross that i was related to him. just as i was about to disavow Scoggins, the guy took a picture of me and posted it on social media. he screamed to the rest of the library THIS GUYS RELATED TO EARL WAYNE SCOGGINS and everybody in the room gasped, some even ran toward the exits. the librarian came up to me and said I had to leave and she took out her phone and said i am dialing 911 but her phone was out of batteries. she assured me they had a landline phone at the desk. I thought about making a scene since my tax dollars paid for the library but I just left.

i walked down the highway. man, some people are so close minded, i didnt know Scoggins and he doesn’t speak for me, if i had a spokesperson, it would be the cymbal player from Rob Zombie. i arrived at work at the conglomerate where i lick envelops for 2 cents an hour. everyone in the office turned their heads and looked at me as i walked in. just as i was about to sit down, my boss called me into his office. two security guards were already inside which is strange because they’re usually in the lobby. my boss said it’s time to turn in your envelope licking badge, you’ve been terminated. i took my envelope licking badge out of my pocket and clutched it, thinking of how i was still in debt from four years of envelope school. i said why are you firing me he said are you serious and showed me his phone which had a picture of me next to Earl Wayne Scoggins. you’re related to Scoggins and i shouldn’t have to explain anything else. I said but he’s a distant relative i don’t know the guy and my boss said it doesn’t matter, he’s now adjacent to our brand and we already lost a billion dollars on the stonkmarket. i said how can that be and he said word spreads fast when you have a horsefucker in the family.

the phone started ringing and my boss picked up and put the CE-fucking-O of the company on speakerphone. the CEO said: YES THERE ARE REPORTS THAT BRAND DAMAGE FROM MY PHONE THAT CARRIES MESSAGES. ONE BILLION OF MY FORTUNE. ONE BILLON LESS MOSQUITOS I CAN FREE INTO THE WILD. WHEN I WAS YOUNG I QUESTIONED THE VALUE OF POTS BUT THEY DO MORE THAN COOK. THEY CAN BOIL ALIVE THOSE WHO CROSS TH BRAND. WE CANNOT AFFORD TO LOST THE STONKS WE HAVE INVESTORS IN JAPAN WHO HAVE A TINY BOX WITH THE WORLDS MOST EXPENSIVE VIOLEN AND THEY MUST FEED THE BOX WITH THE TEARS OF BALLERINAS WHICH ARE EXPENSIVE AS YOU KNOW. NOW LEAVE, BANISH, AND NEVER COME BACK.

the security guards escorted me off the property and threw me into the street. I dusted myself off and walked back to my apartment. i was scared what my wife would say about me losing another job because she has a chocolate addiction that must be financed. when i got home, i found her curled up on the floor next to hundreds of Kit Kat wrappers. she said why are you home early, and i said i got fired, and she started to cry. again? she said. i nodded and through tears she said GIMME A BREAK GIMME A BREAK BREAK ME OFF A PIECE OF THAT KIT KAT BAR. BUT THE BAR IS NO MORE. I T WAS ALL A DREAM.

I hugged her and she leaned against me and said it’s OK, I guess I forgive you, you met the lead singer from Pearl Jam that one time. just as I went to kiss her, the strobe light that was once my chihuahua floated into the room. it started flashing its incandescent whit elight, blinding us as it had so many times before. the strobe light said: HAHAHAHA I WILL EAT YOUR LAMP. the lamp flew across the room and the strobe light consumed it. the strobe light said: HAHAHA THAT LAMP WAS THE LAST APPLIANCE IN YOUR HOUSE. NOW I WILL EAT YOU. I grabbed my wife by the hand and started to run.

the strobe chased us in every direction as it screamed in our ears. HAAAHA THERE IS NO TIME TO MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR MAKER THE STROBE IS HERE THE STROBE IS HUNGRY THE STROBE IS EVERYTHING AND NOTHING ALPHA AND OMEGA HAHAHA. the lights on the strobe started flashing faster. me and my wife fell to the floor. the strobe hovered above us, about to eat us, until someone kicked through our front door. it was former President Jimmy Carter, dressed in commando gear.

Jimmy Carter pulled out a bazooka and fired it at the strobe light. the strobe light exploded and then Jimmy Carter jumped across the room and karate kicked it until it shattered into pieces. thank you, President Carter, my wife said. no thank you, Jimmy Carter said. I was just doing my patrols, and I was basically just doing my job. in fact, I’d get in trouble back at the station if I hadn’t done this. you folks enjoy the rest of your night. and like that, the 39th President of the United States disappeared.

my wife and I hugged each other tight. that will put things in perspective, who cares if you lost a job, my wife said. I said right, we’ll always have each other. we kissed and she asked me why I got fired. I said it was a weird story, I’m related to this guy named Earl Wayne Scoggins and somehow word got out on social media. My wife pulled away from me and crossed her arms. wait, let me get this straight, she said. you’re related to Earl Wayne Scoggins. the guy responsible for the Great Horse Fornication Fire of 1876 in the Nevada territories. I said apparently, according to Ancestry.com.

my wife pointed to the door. OUT, she said. OUT. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE. I tried to hug her but she said DON’T TOUCH ME. Then Jimmy Carter came back through the door. Jimmy Carter pointed his bazooka at me. He said, I decided to stay in the hallway for a few minutes just to make sure everything was clear. The lady said no, champ. I had no choice. I had to leave. so I went into the night. i had to take shelter underneath a bus station awning. there was a homeless guy there who was rocking back and forth with the wind. he said, you look like you don’t belong out here, what’s going on with you? I told him my wife kicked me out of the house and I have nowhere left to go.

he said I know what that’s like, my wife kicked me out of the house a few years ago. the man said he loved to fuck horses. he went all over the country, telling is wife he was on business trips, fucking horses in an underground horse fucking ring. he said he was business partners with the kalamazoo player from REO Speedwagon but he threw it all away. this guy was repulsive to me, but I though hey, if anyone understands my story, it’s him. so I told him I got cancelled today because I was related to a horse fucker. the man said there’s such a stigma in society, they act like we’re owl fuckers or something.

I didn’t say anything, just happy that the guy didn’t judge me. he asked, by the way, who I was related to that set this off. I told him Earl Wayne Scoggins. he grabbed me by the collar. SCOGGINS RUINED IT ALL FOR US CONSENSUAL HORSE FUCKERS. FOR YEARS MEN WERE ALLOW TO PRACTICE THEIR LOVE FOR HORSES AND LIVE OFF THE LAND AND TRAVEL THE RAILROADS AND DRINK BOOT SOUP AND BE REAL, AUTHENTIC EQUESTRIANS. THEN SCOGGINS CAME ALONG AND ALL THOSE LAWS HE LEFT US. REO SPEEDWAGON ALMOST ENDED WHEN IT WAS FOUND OUT ABOUT ME AND SUCH HITS AS KEEP ON LOVING YOU WOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN MADE. YOU DESERVE TO BE CANCELED YOU SICK FUCK.

the homeless man stood up and walked away from me. all of a sudden, I was completely alone. i had gone from just a normal guy into a monster in the span of a single day. i slept outside of the bus station that night, and when I awoke, I wanted closure. i walked all the way to a library in a different town, and logged into Ancestry.com.

I wanted to see his face. I wanted to see the man that ruined my life. but on my account dashboard, Ancestry.com said there had been an error. they said I got the wrong DNA results back, and showed me my real family tree. I couldn’t believe it. I was actually a direct descendent of George Washington. and that’s how I became the trustee of the George Washington Water Slide for over 30 years. today, i just want to send my thanks for all your work on the waterslide, it’s really fast, the drop makes me go whoop eeeeeeeeeeee