Coronavirus canceled the Beanie Baby conference, now I want to kill myself

every year i have gone to the Pasadena Beanie Baby Conference and it is basically the highlight of my year. i started collecting in 97, in between the deaths of Princess Dianna and Mother Theresa, i used it to cope. im still upset that the Illuminati killed Dianna but now when im sad about it i just squeeze Patti the Platypus and everything goes away. i did that a lot in the final days of my marriage. i stopped showing up to work and paid a craigslist guy to sit in my chair when my boss finally found out they cleaned out my desk and found the check I won from the price is right and the owner said im not mailing it to you you gotta come here and pick it up and i said you will owe me the money either way but he said there is an obscure law in california that allows employers to rescind game show earnings. i said who cares and i just cuddled with Patti, who was basically my live in gf at that point. but it turned out the fucker was right, he was right. my wife left me over that, but i dont care, what i learned long ago is that i have no feelings… in fact i did not truly ‘feel’ anything until i touched Gobbles the Turkey in 1999 outside of the Beanie Emporium in Topeka, Kansas. that was also the year i discovered the Beanie Baby Conference. i remember it vividly. i walked into the Victims of Socialism Memorial Convention Center and saw a whole fucking table of Splash the Whale, ShaqBear the Bear, Junglelove the Monkey. in fact, there were more Splash the Whales than human beings in the entire venue and that made me lol. i fucking hate people with their noses and teeth. not like a beanie baby. not innocent…free. for the next 21 years, i went back to the conference. but this year, some guy said the conference was cancelled because of the flu. i said only humans die from the flu and the guy said yeah that’s why they cancelled it and i was like but the conference is about THEM the beanies. they never get the flu. they are immune to disease beacuse they are superior. the guy slowly started to walk away and i said get out of here you homo. he stopped and said first of all i’m not gay, even if i was thats ok. its ok to be who you are. i said i like gay ppl because they don’t reproduce, and i was calling you a homo because you are a homo sapien. Because i’m proud to admit i’m bigoted when it comes to the entire genus. no shame. at this point the security guards at the Olive Garden had taken note and started to separate us. i went back to my table and ate my Zeppoli with my dinner partner, Luau the Pig. i said lets go home Lu (nickname. i give them all nicknames.) and when we got back to my apartment i turned the TV on. they said that something called Coronavirus was shutting everything down. i called the dude who runs the beanie baby conference and he confirmed it was cancelled. i dropped the phone. the room started to spin. my life had literally just lost all meaning, so I went to get my gun to end it all. but on my way to the bedroom i fell and cracked my head open. i realized i had a few minutes before i blacked out so naturally i crawled to the phone, called 911, and pretended to be a beanie baby who just saw a human crack his head open. the operator hung up because he thought it was a prank. Fuck Sapiens would be an awesome name for a Nu-Metal band. all of a sudden some EMTs were at my house and they rushed me to the hospital. i woke up the next morning and said, i gotta get out of here. i gotta go blow my brains out. what is life worth without the beanie baby conference? som epeople care about cars, some people care girls, but i care about beanie babies. i dont think anybody actually cares about their kids, though. how the fuck is that possible. to care about a sapien. i could even see you caring about Olive Garden, their breadsticks are sick.