fuck this app

first let me start by saying this app has gotten me laid so many times ever since i have install it i have just been overwhelm in pussay. im shy to talk to girls irl but now all i have to do is send them emoticons of humorful elephants to hook up w them. now my love life has exploded for a guy who spends most of his days on the internet arguing whether 90s michael jordan bulls were more important than 9/11. this particular girl was weird because she texted me first (normally i am the alpha male to initiate the first hilarious elephant gif) and she asked me if i wanted to meet up for coffee to talk about the stars and the moon. i have experience with those two things (i see them in the sky all nights except when it is foggy) so i saw an opening and made a ballsy move by asking her out on a coffee date. she accepted and we met at the starbucks near her apartment which is awesome because i am ‘buck core and wish i could inject cafe moca into my veins. i did not recognize her when she came in because she was wearing a bizarre medieval frock w a wide black hood and wore thick dark makeup that suggested she hated her parents. she greeted me with a bow and sat down and said nothing to me for like five minutes and then i broke the silence by asking how’s it going and she said she’s fucked just like every stupid particle on this miserable planet and did i know that the universe was slowly being sucked into a supermassive black hole? i said that’s cool and asked her had she tried starbucks new pumpkin spiced latte which was basically just crack for people who go on internet dates. she leaned in and said yes i have tried it as i have tried everything else on this sad lonely space rock and yet i find no relief except in the cosmic mysteries those wonderful riddles that are pondered and at last made irrelevant by our sublunar plight. then she asked me if i wanted so see the outer space rituals that she engaged in back at her apartment (nice straight to her place!) and of course i agreed and then went to the bathroom and realized i still had a micro dick. her place smelled like moths and dead horses a fact i know because my uncle was the most prolific horse killer in the western world. we sat down on her couch and she brought out a ladle and an astrolabe and a knitted pentagram and showed me a map of the milky way galaxy and said dont you just feel so utterly pitiful in the face of that immensity. i said sort of and she said but there’s a way to suck the marrow of the stars and it starts by draining all the creatures from the earth and i subtly made eye contact with her in such a subtle way that she did not even notice it (so cassanova of me). she removed a cloth from a golden bird cage w a pigeon in it and took the pigeon into her lap and said do you think this animal will outlast the Void? i said what Void and she said the unspoken density that defies all matter and i forget what i said because i had an erection (it was a deep response tho). then she put the pigeons head INTO HER MOUTH and started sucking on it as it squawked in confusion .  i heard a cracking sound coming from her mouth and then she started to chomp on the pigeon and by the time it dawned on me what happened she had alraedy SPIT OUT THE PIGEONS BLOODY HEAD ONTO THE CARPET. i FLIPPED OUT and started to fell sick and was only halfway erect in case you were wondering. she laughed and said that’s what you get for being a bird and spit on the corpse and held up the knitted pentagram and started speaking in tongues likeUNNNSHANANANALALALA. by the time she stopped ranting in latin i wished that i could just interact with ppl on the internet and never have to leave my house. she asked me if i wanted to meet up again and i said UMMMMMM YOU JUST AT E A PIGDEON AND IM SUPER BUSY RIGHT NOW AND NOT TRYIN TO DO ANYTHING WITH U AT THE MOMENT…ILL LET YOU KNOW THO.  after that i continued to use this app successfuly until i realized i was just using women up and i tried to pinpoint the reason for my behavior and then one night the answer hit me like a ton of bricks. i had not been the same since those penguins killed my father and i was trying to fill an enormous hole those cruel arctic beasts had drilled into my broken heart