God Bless the Sun

MY LEMONADE STAND IS GONG NOWHERE

i started the lemonade stand bc i was BORED not bc i need money or antything. this is a vanity project and i love making lemonade and to all u loosers who say i am trying to profit off the pee wee football team u need to step off. i see the reviews on this site and it some of the NASTIEST garbage i have ever read written by people WHO DONT KNOW ME and want to see me give up my dream of selling quality lemonade. first off lets get this on the table. in the sites rules it says that only ESTABLSIHED AND LICENSED BUSINESS may be reviewed. i have never been licesend to do this i am a political consultant during the day who sells lemonade after work and the state of californai has no involvement with my stand. i do not know who started the page on my stand (btw Carrol’s Lemonade stand is misspelled u dipshit and no i have never even named my stand it is refered simply to as “The Stand” among friends and relatives and HOW THE FUCK DID U KNOW THAT MY FIRST NAME WAS CAROL U LIL STALKER CUNT). i want to address the issue that has been brought up in numerous posts which that during the pee wee football championship last month the beverage i was selling was not in fact lemonade. it is said my drink tasted like “piss” or “sad water” or “lemon crack” as Mr_Chipper344 says which makes no sense bc crack is expensive not water solubel. let me say i have been making lemonade for thirty years and  ihave never heard such words said against my work and the people responsible for this should be ashamed of themselves. additionally    the charge that  i have been purposely diluting the lemonade to rip little kids off has made its way to the highest authority of pee wee football (Mark Stevens he played backup on miami dolphins he has a championship ring but he never set foot on the field and i am somehow beholden to him) and now i am BANNED from selling my beverage in front of the stadium and must set up shop on the side of I-26. yes the I-26 where last week two drunk college students swerved off the road and killed a famous horse. yes the I-26 where cops found heroin junkies worshipping satan in the woods. but youre not going to stop me from living my dreams. PICASSO NEVER SOLD A PAINTING DURING HIS LIFE> VAN GHOG SOLD A FEW PAINTING S DURING HIS LIFE> DA VINICI WAS REDISOCVERD> GENIUS IS NEVER RECOGNIZED UNTIL LATER ON. u fucking pathetic lil weasels…I ACTUALLY FEEL SORRY FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN RUIN SOMEBODY ELSES WORK> I AM TRULY SORRY U WALK THE EARTH AND I AM ABOUT TO GO MAKE SOME AWESOME LEMONADE SO SUCK MY CLIT U DERRANGED NOBODIES

to the newbs who just started like US Airways: FUCK OFF

i came to this site for the same reason. i love US Airways and i refuse to travel on any other airline. this means ive boxed myself in travel wise but u know what ive been travelling  in nothing but the best seatback currently constructed for airflight capable machines. i will not go through with you as to why the seat is anatomically superior to delta or american YOU JUST HAVE TO GET IT OR GET OUT. weve have a lot of new users join lately who have been skeptical of US Airways mechanical aeronautical and interpersonal superiority and i have to re explain what this site is for. this place is NOT for comparing US Airways to inferior airlines most recently southwest and united by Sing424 and it is NOT for discussing non US Airways aircraft, personnel, or routes. this IS a site for talking about how fucking awesome US Airways is, how its changed lives, how they do charity in Ehtopia, how the aeronautic structure of the planes is scientific superior and how tests done show this, how cool the pretty planes look taking off and landing (esp if a sunset is involved), and so on. everyone on this site understands that US Airways is the best on the planet and i have a message for those who dont: GET THE FUCK OUT. WE DONT CARE ABOUT YOUR LITTLE RINKY DINK CESNA AIRLINE THAT U LOVE SO MUCH US AIRWAYS HAS MEANT A LOT TO THE PPL ON THIS SITE AND U ARE DESOTRYING IT BY POSTING HERE. i kno it sounds harsh but now that i have no wife i am flying US every other day just to get that “rush” that others on this site can attest to…when you are rocketing up into space in the greatest airplane ever made with generous leg room courteous staff engines and propellers engineered ironically enough in germany but its cool bc US Airways is not a place based in geography but rather a state of mind. i have a collage of ticket stubs across my bedroom to places all over the world…places i only stayed at for an hour and then got right back on another US Airways flight to Dallas (Big D Big D Big D). so when i come on here and see u little pricks trash the airline that has kept me holding on over the years all i can say is GOOD LUCK ON DELTA. HAVE FUN ON UNITED. LET ME KNOW HOW THAT GOES. NOT ON THIS SITE BECAUSE ITS AGAINST THE RULES TO TALK ABOUT NON US AIRWAYS AIRLINES ON HERE. BUT SOMEHOW U WILL  TELL ME HOW PATHETIC YOUR LIFE HAS BECOME WITHOUT US AIRWAYS 

fuck this app

first let me start by saying this app has gotten me laid so many times ever since i have install it i have just been overwhelm in pussay. im shy to talk to girls irl but now all i have to do is send them emoticons of humorful elephants to hook up w them. now my love life has exploded for a guy who spends most of his days on the internet arguing whether 90s michael jordan bulls were more important than 9/11. this particular girl was weird because she texted me first (normally i am the alpha male to initiate the first hilarious elephant gif) and she asked me if i wanted to meet up for coffee to talk about the stars and the moon. i have experience with those two things (i see them in the sky all nights except when it is foggy) so i saw an opening and made a ballsy move by asking her out on a coffee date. she accepted and we met at the starbucks near her apartment which is awesome because i am ‘buck core and wish i could inject cafe moca into my veins. i did not recognize her when she came in because she was wearing a bizarre medieval frock w a wide black hood and wore thick dark makeup that suggested she hated her parents. she greeted me with a bow and sat down and said nothing to me for like five minutes and then i broke the silence by asking how’s it going and she said she’s fucked just like every stupid particle on this miserable planet and did i know that the universe was slowly being sucked into a supermassive black hole? i said that’s cool and asked her had she tried starbucks new pumpkin spiced latte which was basically just crack for people who go on internet dates. she leaned in and said yes i have tried it as i have tried everything else on this sad lonely space rock and yet i find no relief except in the cosmic mysteries those wonderful riddles that are pondered and at last made irrelevant by our sublunar plight. then she asked me if i wanted so see the outer space rituals that she engaged in back at her apartment (nice straight to her place!) and of course i agreed and then went to the bathroom and realized i still had a micro dick. her place smelled like moths and dead horses a fact i know because my uncle was the most prolific horse killer in the western world. we sat down on her couch and she brought out a ladle and an astrolabe and a knitted pentagram and showed me a map of the milky way galaxy and said dont you just feel so utterly pitiful in the face of that immensity. i said sort of and she said but there’s a way to suck the marrow of the stars and it starts by draining all the creatures from the earth and i subtly made eye contact with her in such a subtle way that she did not even notice it (so cassanova of me). she removed a cloth from a golden bird cage w a pigeon in it and took the pigeon into her lap and said do you think this animal will outlast the Void? i said what Void and she said the unspoken density that defies all matter and i forget what i said because i had an erection (it was a deep response tho). then she put the pigeons head INTO HER MOUTH and started sucking on it as it squawked in confusion .  i heard a cracking sound coming from her mouth and then she started to chomp on the pigeon and by the time it dawned on me what happened she had alraedy SPIT OUT THE PIGEONS BLOODY HEAD ONTO THE CARPET. i FLIPPED OUT and started to fell sick and was only halfway erect in case you were wondering. she laughed and said that’s what you get for being a bird and spit on the corpse and held up the knitted pentagram and started speaking in tongues likeUNNNSHANANANALALALA. by the time she stopped ranting in latin i wished that i could just interact with ppl on the internet and never have to leave my house. she asked me if i wanted to meet up again and i said UMMMMMM YOU JUST AT E A PIGDEON AND IM SUPER BUSY RIGHT NOW AND NOT TRYIN TO DO ANYTHING WITH U AT THE MOMENT…ILL LET YOU KNOW THO.  after that i continued to use this app successfuly until i realized i was just using women up and i tried to pinpoint the reason for my behavior and then one night the answer hit me like a ton of bricks. i had not been the same since those penguins killed my father and i was trying to fill an enormous hole those cruel arctic beasts had drilled into my broken heart

The Hallmark Valentines Day Experience

i have been writing cards at Hallmark for 26 yrs and today i am being fired for drinking on the job so now i am going to give all you fucks a piece of my mind. first and foremost, i hope that you and your offspring and whatever of your genealogical line persists are rid from the Earth by biblical plagues that cause much frothing at the mouth and not a little leprosy. second, have you ever looked into the mirror you sick depraved hopeless people who write about True Love year in and out and yet can barely form acceptable human relationships? who in this cramped lightless office knows anything about unconditional affection? i know Martha posts pics of her hubby & new born on FB but do they know that she’s been sucking her boss’s dick for the past three years? or what about Howard who got caught fathering an extra family in Philadelphia that his real wife and kids had no idea about? what i am trying to say is that we as a group or more formally the cogs of the Hallmark Card Corporation,are actually a group of distusting pigs who write horrible lies for delusional people. remember when our CEO said on the conference call that the key demographic for Valentines Day cards is actually lonely singles who like to pretend they have someone to send it to? WE ARE NOTHING BUT FEAR PEDDLERS PEOPLE AND GOD STRIKE US DEAD FOR SPREADING SUCH MALICIOUS ROMANTIC FALSITIES. ever since the divorce i have been working long hours in this dank hellhole and writing things that consistently crush my soul. my greatest single contribution to this company was the bestselling “Are you a beaver?/Cuz dammmmm” combo that won several awards from degenerates who fuel the drivel of this country. i threw the award in the trash that night and stuck a gun in my mouth hoping i would have the balls to end it. but here i am writing this email to you worthless pricks. i will have you know that i studied the Classics at Princeton and it aches me that my weight in the culture negates with precision any effect Homer and Chaucer might have on our common discourse. so long you soulless motherfuckers. btw i am in love with a hooker now after a quarter century of writing about the topic on sleek disposable cards.

Dating Advice from a Date Rapist

Greg “Mac 10” Dystopia is a Pick Up Artist and convicted date rapist who’s been writing dating advice columns in Esquire, GQ, and other men’s magazines for over fifteen years. Due to limitations placed upon him by the State of New York, he is only allowed to write with an unsharpened pencil and the backs of court documents. The world renowned guru recently sent us a crumpled piece of paper that contained semi-literate scribbles and several Polaroid pictures of himself. We will print the text in its entirety. The pictures were burned on sight.

I was hanging out with fellow pickup guru Ray Mysterio and we pondered deeply why most men never get laid. Mysterio pulled back his black cape, so he could speak, and adjusted his eyepatch, which in and of itself is a pussy vortex. He said, what most guys don’t realize is that if she swipes right, that means that she wants to fuck you, no matter what. He then received a text that his pig had died, and goddamn didn’t we wax poetic on the fate that awaits us all.

I set up a date with a cute Asian girl on Tinder to test this hypothesis. I mean, it wasn’t a test, I’ve never gone on a date and not gotten laid. I am Greg “Mac 10” Dystopia dammit. I steal hearts. Literally. I break into graveyards and exhume the dead and carve out their organs. I have 2.5 million Twitter followers and all of them take me seriously.

I met the girl at a coffee shop, showing up twenty minutes late. Doesn’t matter, she swiped right. I revealed my real name. She was like oh like the Hunger Games. I was like no, like the celebrity pickup personality who is known to steal hearts, literally and figuratively. She was like oh good for you, I just finished Mockingjay Part 2.

She said I bet you were one of those shy awkward kids in high school, and I was like, no I was the most popular guy at my school. That’s why I never go back. I would just make people jealous. Then she said I see you as kind of a mama’s boy and I was like DONT TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER> DONT EVER TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER>

I asked her what she was up to later. She said I’m employed and I’m going to bed soon. I said employed? You mean like, you go somewhere and they pay you? She’s like yeah I’m a highly successful blah blah blah I save the lives of blah I wrote blah I travelled to blah blah the President said blah about me. I didn’t catch any of it.

With my prospects dwindling, I had to channel my inner Mysterio. Doesn’t matter, she swiped right.

All of a sudden, I looked at my phone. Oh God I said, my brother is in my apartment bleeding. He says he needs exactly two people to stop the bleeding. If you don’t come back to my apartment, he’s going to die. She said that’s terrible I’ll help. And I was like yeah you’re a doctor, and she said no I’m a blah blah.

We got back to my apartment and the first thing she noticed was that there was no bleeding, near death man. She commented on this and I said my brother is the strongest person I know. He probably just took a nap or something. I asked her if she wanted a drink and she said she needed to leave ASAP. At first I was like, she’s just not feeling this. But then I realized she had swiped right, and the voice of Mysterio came to my head.

I went over to her and she pressed her back to the wall. I said do you want to kiss me? I heard yes. She heard no, the neighbors next door heard no, the people having the barbecue on the roof heard no, forensic linguists at Columbia University that excavated audio from both of our phones heard no, and eventually, a jury of twelve of my peers also heard no.

Whatever. I didn’t get laid that night. Now I’m in maximum security prison. But I’m so grateful that GQ, Maxim, and Esquire have continued to pay me a living wage to write about dating. It’s so satisfying that guys all across the country will take my ideas in and implement them in their own lives. Most of them just want to find the right girl and settle down.

I know they hinge on my every word.