ScientologySingles.com

i joined Scientology Singles dot com to meet the love of my life. everything i do revolves around The Church so it seemed like the perfect website to meet a girl on. call me old fashioned, but i still like to take a woman out for a night on the town. first we’d get our Thetan Levels audited at Scientology Miami, then we’d compare results and gasp at how close we both are to an intrinsically good, omniscient, non-material core capable of unlimited creativity, followed by an engaging dinner w David Miscavige’s spiritual advisor, and topping it all off with incredible lovemaking where we shout passages of Dianetics when we come. when i saw her profile, i knew she was the one. she said she’s looking for someone who’s into Scientology (me too)  and that she likes music (no way) and even quoted from my favorite obscure chapbook that L Ron released when he was a homeless man in louisiana (it was meant to be) i messaged her and we agreed to meet after mass for coffee (and no it’s not like catholic mass. this is mass for and by the grace of our Benevolent and Gracious Overlord Xenu praise be upon him.) so we went out to starbucks and i accidently introduced myself as Carl (my name before i joined The Church) and immediately corrected myself (I am Vesu 14) and blushed. god i can be such a klutz around girls. anyways she had a pretty name (Comba 6) and we started talking about what our favorite L Ron sermons were (you can’t beat Los Angeles ’74. a real nice crowd, real mellow, you can really feel the energy and L Ron goes into this sick side note about how Affinity (affection, love or liking), Reality (consensual reality), and Communication (the exchange of ideas) are all actually the same thing, which is just Xenu. Xenu is everything and nothing – profuond when u think about it.) i thought we were clicking so well that i started trying to finish her sentences for her. this worked a few times but mostly failed but when it did work it was magical and i imagined what our children would look like (my son would be Vesu 15, technically). so anyways things went well and i asked her if she wanted to meet up at The Church tomorrow and talk about The Bridge to Total Freedom and she said she would be there around 7 so look out for her. i was so happy – there was no question after spending an hour with this girl that she would become my legal and spiritual wife (u get married twice in The Church, one in public where you get a real marriage certificate and one in private where u sit in a special room with your spouse and Xenu marries you invisibly). so i showed up at the church the following night and did not see her around. i asked around and someone said she was getting audited in an auditing booth. i felt i knew this girl well enough that i could sit in on her audit so i opened the curtain and saw her sitting in her auditor’s lap kissing his earlobe. i cursed big time (you can’t say Xenu out loud, i said it several times and had to talk to my auditor about it) and said what are you doing with a guy like this. HE IS A LEVEL FOUR THETAN LEVEL. LEVE FUCKING FOUR. HE DOES NOT EVEN KNOW THAT XENU WAS PLANTED BY A LARGER GOD ON MERCURY AND WILL POTENTIALLY BEAR CHILDREN. HE IS NOT AWARE THAT A SECRET UFO EXISTS ON THE SCIENTOLOGY ISLAND IN THE CARRIBEAN THAT WILL TAKE US TO THE PROMISED LAND. I AM LEVEL EIGHT AND THUS MORE THETAN AWARE AND WILL THUS BEAR CHILDREN CLOSER TO XENU. WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOUR ARE TO IGNORE ME LIKE THIS? she said she’s not really into me and just because i have a higher thetan level doesnt mean im attractive im actually using it to mask other shortcomings. OUCH. really ouch. Scientology Singles dot com didnt bring me any closer to L Ron but it did leave a hole in my heart. zero out of five stars